The Capacity to Have

Creating what you want and learning to have it are two different skills.

You finally get what you wanted. The money is in the bank account. The relationship is here. You have accomplished the goal you spent so much time working toward.

And instead of simply enjoying it, you start looking for a way out.

You spend the money. You create drama in the relationship. You immediately move to a bigger goal without letting yourself experience the one you just achieved. You have created the result, but you do not yet know how to have it.

I call this the capacity to have. It is a skill, and we have to learn it at every level of our growth.

Success can be uncomfortable

I have watched clients struggle to have the body they wanted after losing weight. I have watched people make money and find it difficult to leave that money in their account. I have watched people create the relationship they dreamed of and then struggle to be in it.

I coached a man who had retired with all the money and freedom he wanted. He was struggling with the identity of having that life.

You may think these are wonderful problems to have. They are. They are also real problems. Dismissing them does not help us understand what is happening.

One of the reasons success becomes so difficult is that we do not think it should be difficult. Then we criticize ourselves for not appreciating it, adding another layer of discomfort to an experience we have not learned how to manage.

Can you let the money be there?

When I began making about a million dollars and had excess money in my accounts, I noticed how uncomfortable it felt. I kept thinking we needed to do something with it. Spend it. Buy something.

The money being there made me nervous.

Later, a friend made a sizable amount of money, paid off her debt and bills, and had money left in her account. Every time we talked, there was another thing she was buying or planning to buy.

I asked her to consider having the money for a while before spending it. What was her capacity to be with it?

That question is different from asking how to earn it. You might know how to make two hundred thousand dollars. But what is it like to have two hundred thousand dollars in your bank account and simply be with it for a moment, without immediately spending it, investing it, or moving it somewhere else?

You can ask the same question about an accomplishment. Can you be with the success before making the next goal bigger?

I had to learn how to have love

I had always wanted a relationship with a kind, caring, respectful man. Then I met Chris, and I did not know how to be with what I had wanted.

I picked fights. I pushed him away. I tried to get him to leave. It made no logical sense when I looked at the relationship I said I wanted.

He did not engage in the drama. Because he did not, I could not make him responsible for it. I had to look at myself and at the way I was trying to sabotage the relationship.

At first, I told myself something was wrong with me. What I came to understand was that I did not know how to have a successful relationship. I had to learn to be connected without creating drama.

I experienced something similar after losing weight. I would gain it back because I did not know how to be with the accomplishment. Getting there and being there were different experiences.

Your identity has to catch up

You have thoughts about who you are and what you are capable of. When you set a goal beyond your current results, there can be cognitive dissonance between what you are believing and what your life looks like.

Then you achieve the goal, and another kind of dissonance can appear. You believed enough to create the result, but you have not fully absorbed having it.

You make a million dollars, meet the person you wanted to be with, or see the number you wanted on the scale. Suddenly, guilt, fear, or imposter syndrome comes up. You worry someone will discover you do not deserve it. You anticipate losing it.

The thing you wanted becomes a source of shame. You hide it, explain it away, or sabotage it.

That does not mean you were wrong to want it. It means you have another skill to develop: being with the abundance you created.

Notice why you are giving or spending

I watched someone give away much of their money because they felt guilty about having it. The action looked charitable, but the feeling behind it was undeservedness. Having the money hurt, and giving it away was a way to stop that discomfort.

I teach my students to have the money before they give it away. Experience owning it. Otherwise, they may never develop the capacity to be with it.

Giving from guilt is a different experience from giving because you love having abundance and want to share it. The thoughts create the feelings, and the feelings drive the actions. Looking at the action alone does not show you that difference.

You can want to help from a place of overflowing abundance. You do not have to make yourself feel bad about what you have in order to share.

Want more from enoughness

In my millionaire group, one of the clearest signs of financial maturity is that people calm down. They stop the constant hustle. They become more confident and more present with what they have created.

They are not constantly worried that their success was a fluke or that everything will be taken away. They settle into having it, and from there they grow.

Wanting more from enoughness is very different from wanting more because you believe you are inadequate. From scarcity, you can create money and still feel afraid. You can achieve the result and still sabotage it.

From abundance, wanting more becomes fun. You are already enough, and you get to create more.

Compassion is part of learning to have

Your brain may tell you that you are not lovable, that you do not deserve what you have, or that you should feel guilty. Those are thoughts. You can choose a different way to be with yourself.

Beating yourself up for not having the capacity to have is another form of sabotage. The answer is compassion and accepting your worthiness.

Notice what you do after a win. When your book proposal is accepted, do you stop writing? When you succeed, do you create a problem with the success? Ask yourself why, with curiosity rather than criticism.

Your capacity for joy, growth, and happiness is something you can show the people in your life. You can demonstrate what it looks like to live fully without apologizing for it.

You are enough before you create the result. You are enough after you create it. And you can learn how to have what you have created.