Capacity and Capability

You can learn how to make money and still struggle to have it.

I watched this happen with students. They developed the skills, earned money, and immediately spent it. They could produce the result, but they could not be present with having it.

That distinction fascinates me.

What prevents us from holding more, having more, and being more? And how do we develop the skills to handle the life we want?

I think about these questions through two related concepts: capacity and capability.

Capacity is what you are willing to hold

Think about a glass and the amount of water it can hold.

That is its capacity. The glass has a fixed size, so it cannot hold more than that.

I do not believe human beings are fixed in the same way.

We can expand what we are willing to take on and hold in our lives. We can develop more capacity for emotion, action, relationships, success, and the challenges that come with them.

This is not simply a question of how many possessions or activities you can fit into a day.

It is about holding the quality and intensity of the life you want without constantly sabotaging it or avoiding what comes with it.

Capability is the skill to handle it

Capability is your ability and skill.

As you expand what you are willing to take on, you need to develop the capability to handle it.

The two support each other, but they are not the same.

My son Christian can improve how far he hits a golf ball, how accurately he chips, and how well he putts. Those are skills.

But in a tournament, he also needs the mental capacity to handle pressure. The golf skills alone are not enough.

I see a similar pattern with coaches starting businesses. They can learn the material and skills but still struggle to handle what using them requires.

Begin with willingness

I suggest prioritizing capacity.

Ask yourself how much you are willing to handle, how much you are willing to take on, and how big you are willing to be.

Give those questions a thoughtful answer.

When I was first becoming a coach, I attended a weekend training using Byron Katie's work to question thoughts.

One thought I discovered was that if I became too successful, I would not have friends. I believed becoming the person I envisioned might mean nobody liked me.

That was limiting my capacity. If success meant losing connection, I had a reason to keep myself small.

Through coaching and questioning that thought, I realized that if I did not show up as my true self, the friends I had would not fully know who I was.

That changed my willingness to grow.

Make a decision and live it out

Once you examine what is limiting you, decide what you want to do, be, and have more of.

Consider your mental capacity, emotional capacity, and behavioral capacity.

Do you want to think in bigger ways? Feel and process more emotion? Take on more action?

Then exercise that decision through daily choices.

Sometimes circumstances require us to expand before we would choose to. But we can also deliberately move beyond the comfort of everyday life.

I appreciate having the awareness to make that choice. I can use the capacity I have and decide to develop more.

Build capability through action and failure

The process is simple to understand and challenging to execute.

Try something. Practice. Fail. Learn from it. Try again.

Massive action develops capability.

Many people want instructions that will prevent failure. I suggest a different approach: increase your capacity to fail, feel, take action, and handle obstacles.

Instead of arranging your life so nothing brings up stress, develop your ability to manage the stress that does arise.

You can question your thoughts, process emotion, take action, and allow an urge without acting on it.

These are skills. They become stronger with practice.

What if you could handle what it brings up?

You may not want to set a big goal because of the overwhelm, pressure, or stress you expect.

Ask a different question: What if you became good at managing what it brings up?

Would that change what you were willing to do, try, or have?

Rather than avoiding every situation you call stressful, you could develop the ability to process your own stress and overwhelm.

I am talking about handling challenges in a way that grows you, not taking on more and being trampled by it.

If you take on a level of pressure for the first time, it may be difficult. The hundredth time can be very different because you have developed skills through experience.

Capacity includes peace and love

We often think only about handling difficulty. But we may need to develop capacity for the things we want, too.

When I was younger and first met Chris, I had attracted a caring partner but struggled to be in that relationship.

I had to increase my capacity for peace, love, boredom, and non-conflict. I was accustomed to something else and kept trying to sabotage what I had.

I also had to learn how to be at my natural weight and relax, rather than continue living in a struggle I had known for years.

Having freedom was something I needed to learn to hold.

Where does this happen in your life? Can you create a result but struggle to experience it without undoing it?

Let the two grow together

Imagine earning a million dollars and feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and eager to spend it immediately.

You have demonstrated a skill for earning. Now you may need to work on the capacity to have.

That means examining your thoughts, processing emotion, and developing the ability to respond deliberately.

The same applies to coaching more clients, having difficult conversations, telling the truth, or caring for yourself fiercely.

If you want to take on more clients, examine how you decided your current limit. What would you need to learn to coach more and handle that experience well?

I want capacity and capability to grow together.

You become willing to have a bigger life, and you develop the skills to hold it with peace, love, and self-love.

Ask what you are willing to handle. Make the decision. Live it out. Then keep practicing, failing, learning, and increasing your capability.

You do not have to treat the size of your life as fixed. You can explore how much more you are willing and able to hold.