Boundaries

Protect your space with clear requests and actions you can follow through on.

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

A boundary is only useful if you know what you will do when it is crossed.

Many of us tell people what we want them to stop doing. Then, when they keep doing it, we become resentful and repeat the request more forcefully.

Setting a boundary asks something different of us. It asks us to be clear about our own space and willing to take care of it.

A boundary is about your action

In this teaching, a boundary includes a clear request and a clear consequence. The consequence is the action you will take. It isn’t a threat designed to make someone comply.

For example, you can explain that smoking isn’t allowed in your home and that you will ask someone to leave if they smoke inside.

The other person still chooses their behavior. You choose how you will protect your space.

That is different from expecting another person to become who you want them to be.

Separate a preference from a boundary

You may want a friend to call you back more often. You may want more praise from your boss or more romance from your partner.

Those are requests you can make. In the distinction I teach here, someone failing to meet a preference is different from entering or violating your personal space.

Notice whether you’re protecting yourself or trying to organize another person’s behavior so you won’t have to feel disappointed.

Being specific helps. What is happening? What space or limit needs protection? What action is available to you?

Say what you mean before resentment builds

Imagine a relative arriving at your home without calling. You keep letting them in, but afterward you complain about the interruption.

They may not know there is a problem. Your silence leaves them guessing while your resentment grows.

You can explain that you want a call before visits. You can also let them know that if they arrive without arranging a time, you may not answer the door.

Now the limit is clear. The next part is yours: following through even if doing so feels uncomfortable.

Work with the feeling behind the conversation

Thoughts create feelings, which influence your actions and results. If you approach the conversation from blame and anger, you may be trying to punish rather than communicate.

Take time to understand your thinking. What are you afraid will happen if you tell the truth? What do you believe another person’s disappointment would mean about you?

The aim is a clear, grounded conversation. You can care about someone and still communicate a limit.

You also don’t need their agreement before deciding what you will do. The action has to be something within your control.

Follow through without adding a fight

If you say you will leave a conversation when someone continues yelling, decide what following through will look like. Keep the action clear and proportionate to the situation.

You don’t have to keep debating the limit each time. You can do what you said you would do.

Before stating a boundary, ask yourself whether you’re willing to take the action. If you aren’t, work on that honestly rather than making a promise you won’t keep.

Clear boundaries can make relationships more honest. They give you a way to protect your space and participate without quietly collecting resentment. Start with one limit, one clear request, and one action that belongs to you.