Because I Want To

Because I want to.

That can be a complete reason. You don’t have to turn your desire into a story that makes everyone else comfortable before you are allowed to make a choice.

You can want to change your career, start a business, stop drinking, change your hair, or leave a relationship. You can evaluate your reasons, values, and consequences without making other people’s approval the final requirement.

In Episode 357, I talked about what becomes possible when we stop trying to justify an authentic life.

You don’t need a catastrophe to change something

People kept asking why I got divorced, and they seemed dissatisfied with my answer. I had wanted to.

I loved Chris. We had talked for many hours, worked with a therapist, written down our dreams, and considered what we wanted. We had not needed deceit, fighting, or hatred to make the decision.

I could be happy in the marriage and still want something different.

That is consistent with what I teach about relationships. Your relationship doesn’t create your happiness. Your thoughts do. If you leave expecting the next relationship to make you happy, you may be disappointed.

Understanding your power to be happy doesn’t remove your ability to choose. From that place, you can decide whether you want to stay or leave.

A decision can come from a positive desire rather than needing a horrible reason everyone agrees is sufficient.

Wanting something doesn’t erase your values

When I say you can do what you want, people sometimes ask about other people’s feelings.

I care about people. I have values, empathy, and ethics. I don’t want to be deceitful, harmful, or disrespectful. I want to make decisions with love and honesty.

I also want growth and the best life I can create. I want to live on my own terms instead of guessing what people will think and trying to please them.

Before making decisions, I evaluate my reasons and the consequences. I want to know they serve my authentic life and values, and that I can respect and love the people involved.

That work is different from supplying an explanation that everyone else approves of.

You can care deeply and still make a decision another person wouldn’t make.

The justification can become its own prison

When I said I wanted my company to make $100 million, people wanted me to explain what good I would do with it.

I did want to serve people, employ women, and contribute. But I didn’t need those things to justify the amount I wanted to create.

Wanting it could be enough.

If you keep looking for permission, you may make your life dependent on other people’s interpretations. You may not even know exactly who those people are.

You tell yourself you can’t choose the dream until it is acceptable to them. Meanwhile, your own opinion of you gets very little attention.

You are an adult. You can know what you want and make a decision you like.

What do you want people to think about you?

Ask yourself what impression you are trying to create. Do you want to be seen as a good mother, good spouse, good person, or successful person?

Then ask why.

You may believe their opinion will create a feeling for you. But their thoughts don’t determine your feelings. Your thoughts do.

Now ask whether you believe the same thing about yourself. Is it true? Do you want it to be true? Is it okay if you aren’t exactly the person they think you are?

I have coached people who were pretending in their relationships because they wanted others to consider them good. The performance could include staying in a marriage they weren’t participating in honestly.

Why not become the person you want to be rather than manage the impression of being that person?

Notice where you pretend to be happier, more successful, or more aligned with a role than you are. What is the truth underneath it?

Let people have an opinion you don’t share

When someone has a negative opinion about you, you can believe it or not. Their opinion tells you what they think.

What if you let them be wrong? What if they didn’t like you and you could still live authentically?

Some people won’t approve of your true choices. Others may have an opinion based on something untrue. You don’t have to control either before you can continue.

For some people, this involves a few family members. For someone with a public business, it may involve hundreds or thousands of opinions.

The work is still in your own mind. Can you hold space for yourself and focus on your opinion of you?

Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Your own belief about the choice matters to how you live it.

Give others the same freedom

If you want to choose your life, let other people choose theirs.

Notice your judgments about how someone else lives. Bring that attention back to yourself. Are you living as courageously and authentically as you want?

Sometimes judging another person becomes a way to avoid looking at your own desires.

You don’t have to share their choice. They don’t have to share yours.

First, know what you want. Then honor your values, look at the consequences, and decide from a place you believe in.

An authentic life won’t remove the 50/50 experience of being human. It can give you the freedom of knowing you are telling yourself the truth.

You can choose that life because you want to.