Be Good?

Who decides whether you are a good person?

Is it you? Your religion? Your family? The people commenting on the internet?

If being good is important to you, this question deserves more thought than it usually gets. You can spend your life trying to satisfy rules you never consciously chose—and discover that different people have entirely different rules.

You will never make everyone agree that you are good.

Notice whose approval you learned to seek

Growing up, I heard a lot about being a good girl. To me, that meant making adults happy, behaving, obeying authority, and being pleasing.

I looked outside myself to find out how to be good so I would be rewarded. Sometimes I obeyed even when I did not agree with what was happening.

That became painful and confusing. When the rules change depending on the person, you do not necessarily learn to trust your own judgment.

I began thinking about this again after listening to Oprah describe the painful response to her fundraising efforts after the Maui fires. What stood out to me was how much it hurt her that other people did not see the good intentions she knew she had.

Someone can make a contribution and still encounter people who interpret it differently. Their interpretation does not give you a single, reliable definition of goodness.

Ask why you want to be good

It may sound obvious that we should want to be good. But ask yourself why.

What do you expect being good to give you? Is it important in your own eyes, or are you trying to secure someone else's approval?

It is possible to question whether goodness, as you have understood it, is the focus you want for your life.

I have made a similar distinction with happiness. Trying to be happy all the time made me miserable about every moment of unhappiness. Understanding that life contains positive and negative experiences changed that.

I want you to look at the expectation of goodness with that same willingness to question it.

Define what good means to you

If you choose to value goodness, define it.

Complete this sentence: I am a good person if…

You might value generosity, empathy, fairness, accomplishment, helping others, or making a contribution. Write down what those values mean in your life.

If you were raised in a religion, consider which teachings deeply resonate with you. Are there any you do not agree with? Can you trust yourself to evaluate that consciously?

I think we need to govern our own lives, rather than follow external rules that contradict what we believe in our hearts.

Your definition may not match someone else's. That is part of the work.

Question rules that sound universally good

We often list honesty, generosity, gentleness, and kindness as characteristics of a good person.

But those ideas can become complicated in practice.

If you told everyone every truthful judgment you had about them, they might experience you as rude rather than good. A general instruction to always be honest does not resolve every situation.

And I have been in situations where trying to be gentle and nice kept me from confronting someone who was causing harm. Being less gentle was, by my definition, the better choice.

For me, goodness includes courage to stand up for others. It includes working through shame, embarrassment, and pain so I can evolve and help people.

Using my life to develop myself and contribute is part of what makes a life good to me. That is not always the same as making everyone comfortable.

Allow other people to disagree

Once you define goodness, consider what it will mean when someone disagrees.

Some people believe that a wealthy woman in my position must be greedy or out only for herself. If I needed everyone to see me as good, I might decide to have less money just to change that opinion.

I do not choose that definition. I believe I can be wealthy and good.

That does not mean someone must be wealthy to be good or happy. It also does not mean they must have less money to be good.

Notice whether you are organizing your life around someone else's rule instead of a value you actually believe.

Saying no does not settle your goodness

A friend once asked me to help at a bake sale for her son's fundraiser. I said no because I did not want to do it.

I offered to donate the money instead. But the question is whether you could say no—even without offering money—and still consider yourself a good person.

I believe you can.

You do not have to volunteer your time to prove goodness according to someone else's expectation. Otherwise, you may end up doing things against your will and pretending you want to do them.

Can you know your own values and let another person have a different opinion?

Keep questioning even when your group agrees

Humans like belonging to groups. Agreement can feel safe.

But a group agreeing that its actions are good does not eliminate the need for individual examination. History gives us painful examples of groups believing they were doing right while causing terrible harm.

Ask whether the beliefs around you feel like love and goodness to you. Do you genuinely consent to that definition?

Choose consciously where you look for approval.

Separate who you are from what you do

You will make mistakes. You may lose your temper or hurt someone. You may act in a way that does not align with your values and feel guilty.

That can be useful information that helps you return to what you believe.

It does not have to become evidence that you are not a good or worthy person. I believe every human is worthy, even when their behavior is not something we consider good.

Leave space to get off track, realign, and carry on. You can examine your behavior without turning against yourself or trying harder to convince everyone else to approve of you.

Know your definition. Know your why. Then practice living it with courage and gentleness toward yourself.