A Hard Why

Your reason has to matter more than the discomfort of continuing.

When things get hard, what is your reason to keep going?

Not the reason that sounds impressive when you explain your goal. The reason you can reach for when you are frustrated, doubtful, and tempted to quit.

I call that a hard why. It has to be more important to you than giving up. It has to create an emotion stronger than the discomfort standing between you and your dream.

I learned something important about that while teaching a group of coaches who wanted to make one hundred thousand dollars.

The mistake I made with an irresistible offer

I offered a group where coaches would work with me and two master coaches, Kara Loewentheil and Corinne Crabtree. The price was twenty-five thousand dollars, and I guaranteed they would make one hundred thousand dollars or receive their money back.

It was an application-only group, and the offer attracted a lot of interest. I wanted to demonstrate what a valuable, no-brainer offer could look like.

After people joined, I also offered a six-day event with photographs, website help, copywriting, and videos. We worked on the things they needed to get their businesses set up.

I taught, coached, and gave them everything I knew. But I could not make them win.

The guarantee had put the risk on me. For some students, that made it easier to wait for me to create the result rather than invest themselves in the process.

Responsibility cannot happen through osmosis

Partway through the program, I asked students to explain the steps and components of building their businesses. Some could not tell me what I had taught.

They acknowledged they were waiting for me to solve their problems. They were lovely people and certified coaches, but they were not studying and applying the work in the way the result required.

I had to recognize my part in how I set up the offer. I gave them an opportunity to leave with their money, or stay and recommit without the refund guarantee.

The experience taught me that offering information and support is different from creating commitment inside another person. I can teach the steps. The student has to do them, fail, learn, and keep going.

A great result does not transfer from a teacher to a student simply because they are in the same room.

The committed students struggled, too

The people who did well did not have an easy path. They had challenges while building their businesses, just as all of us do.

What stood out was their reason to continue. Their why was stronger.

One student would not consider taking her money back. Her commitment, pride, focus, and desire mattered too much to her. I could feel the determination behind what she was doing.

Other students could give detailed accounts of what they had tried, what was working, what was not, and what they wanted feedback on. They were engaged in solving the problem.

Compare that with vaguely saying you worked on it a little. The difference is not only the information available to you. It is what you are willing to do with it.

Your why does not have to sound noble

A compelling reason can be supporting your family, getting out of debt, helping people, or completing what you committed to do.

It does not have to be spiritual or altruistic. It does not have to be the answer you think someone else will admire.

It does need to matter enough that you are willing to experience the emotions involved in pursuing it.

When you are in the middle of the difficulty, you will want something to hold onto. Your why needs to be more compelling than the reasons your brain offers for stopping.

That is what makes it hard: not how impressive the sentence sounds, but the conviction it creates in you.

Comfort alone may not get you through discomfort

Someone once told me she wanted a business like mine so she could work three days a week.

Her reason was to work less. But building the business required a willingness to work hard and go through discomfort before having that schedule.

If the main goal is comfort, notice the conflict when the process requires discomfort. You may keep choosing comfort now instead of the work that creates the future you imagined.

If you want a different lifestyle, go deeper. Why does it matter? What are you willing to sacrifice to create it? What makes the process worth doing?

Wanting something because it sounds nice can be a starting point. It is not necessarily the reason that will keep you going through the fire.

Ask when your why was born

My why is to be an example of what is possible with the Model. I want to demonstrate that thought work and self-awareness can create more compassion and less unnecessary suffering.

That reason began while I was suffering and looking for help. I had a thought that if I figured this out, I would share it with as many people as I could.

That was the beginning of my why.

When I feel doubt or frustration, I think about someone I have not reached yet. Someone in the pantry bingeing. Someone drinking too much. Someone suffering through the way they think about themselves.

My discomfort matters less to me than continuing to share what could help them.

What emotion does your why create?

In the Model, your why is a thought. It is a sentence that creates an emotion. That emotion drives action.

When I think about being an example of what is possible, I feel determination and commitment. Those feelings are stronger than my doubt.

Look at your own sentence. What do you feel when you think it?

Is that emotion stronger than frustration? Stronger than confusion? Stronger than the temptation to stop because an ad did not work or because you have not reached the goal yet?

If it is not, that does not mean you should give up. It means you have work to do in developing a more compelling reason.

Create the why if you do not have one

You do not have to arrive with a fully formed why. You can create one.

Ask why the goal matters. Then ask why that reason matters. Keep looking until you find something that creates real conviction for you.

You can think about what you would lose by not continuing. Not because someone else says the goal should matter, but because you understand what it represents in your own life.

For some people, it is taking care of family or helping parents. For others, it is the people they want to serve. The reason will be different, but you can recognize the feeling when it becomes compelling.

It gives you focus. Instead of using all your energy to explain why something is hard, you begin working on what needs to happen next.

Give yourself something to hold onto

A hard why does not prevent doubt, failed attempts, or frustration. It gives you a reason to keep acting when those experiences are present.

I have watched students want to quit many times, continue working and believing, and eventually arrive at a result they once thought was impossible. Their pride came from knowing they did not abandon the commitment.

Ask yourself what your why is, why it matters, and what emotion it creates.

Then ask whether that emotion will carry you through the hard parts. If you need a stronger why, build one. It is a tool you can create and use.